And Gosh Darn It, People Like Me.

Well I've made a decision to nix the January 4th "Rough Draft to Committee" deadline. I've got just over a week until I leave for home and I have some big pieces still to finish. As my supervisor has stressed, though, I've sure done a heck of a lot these past 8 months and as many wise friends have pointed out, it is important to keep as close track on what I've accomplished as that which I still have to do.

But why is that so hard? Why is it so much more natural to just keep listing off all that I have left to do and not give myself any credit for all I've done these past 8 months?

I want to keep telling people I'm almost done because I want them to know how hard I'm working. But I also am very aware of my fear around being 'dishonest' to friends, family, and myself. I keep stressing how much there still is to do because I don't want people to think I'm being lazy or taking a stupid amount of time or something weird like that.

And I totally recognize this can be linked to those two years of "working" in an ineffective relationship with my past supervisor. Where for two years I kept saying I was working on my thesis because I didn't know what else to call it. And then to feel like I had been misleading people. And you know what? Nobody really keeps track in the same way I do - I'm actually the only one really 'worried' about all this stuff in a negative manner.

So with that all said, what have I accomplished in the past eight months:

• Outline and one page summary of entire thesis
• Outlines of each chapter
• Chapter Two - 30 pgs written and one round of revisions finished
• Chapter Three - 20 pgs written and one round of revisions
• Chapter Four - 25 pgs written and one round of revisions
• Chapter Five - almost complete with 20 pgs written
• Conclusion - sketched 5pgs
• Introduction - sketched 8 pgs
• Chapter One - sketched 15 pages
• Works Cited - almost complete

So I'm taking a break to enjoy Christmas and my family and have a visit with Jim. I don't want to spend the Christmas holiday feeling guilty for every minute I spend doing something other than my thesis. I want to have the space to finish my Christmas shopping, visit with some friends before I leave, and not feel like a stress basket.

I will continue working on those last pieces and have them done before returning from NYC at the end of February. I had really wanted to wait to take a break after the entire rough draft was done and handed it, but I need to acknowledge that my brain and my gut and my body needs that break right now. I've pretty much worked right through from September with the hopes of defending by April 1. But I am not going to 'finish' next term. And ooh, look - they sky is not falling in on me *wink*. I will keep working and I will have my thesis written and revised by the end of term. I will only need to use the spring/summer semester to wait on the Graduate Office paperwork and then my defense.

Boy motivation is a tough balance. I want to keep the pressure on and sometimes cannot understand people talking about how hard I am on myself. How I work too hard. How I need to cut myself some slack. Deep down inside I feel like there are two years where I kept cutting myself some slack and that meant I never actually got a single chapter written. I don't know how to separate that out from my own 'work ethic' or some silly term like that. But as Jim and others keep pointing out - I've written and I've progressed like I never had before. I will finish. And, again, nobody is judging me as harshly as I am. So yeah, I'm cutting myself some slack and taking Christmas off.

Please all reassure me about this decision, as I feed off positive external praise *grin*

xoxo to all,

Jenn