Stupid Emotions.
Just with - you know - everything. So I'm done school. Should be a woo-hoo moment. I feel overwhelmed and lost and am obsessed with money. I haven't worked for a year and a half, but now I'm freaked about money. But I also just bought a whole lot of stuff (like, eye exam and new glasses and a bed and a full month of rent on my own at my place during the transition from roommate being here and sister's rent contribution starting here). I felt like I deserved these things (I do) and I'm working (I am) and they are also somewhat needed (they are).
So I've spent the money as quickly as it came in, and the job only goes until mid sept. Some minor icky feelings about October and how that will play out. I'm sure I'll find more work, just not totally certain. So I'm dabbling with non-good jobs. Interview for one on tuesday and the woman totally pissed me off. But I want the money. Actually, I want my dream job to arrive in the mail which will pay me what I think I should get paid now with an MA (and flexible hours and a clothing allowance and, um, a man-servant). So I don't want to take a job 'below' me and set up lowered expectations of myself, but I also need to keep the cash flowing right now. And I don't think I want to get locked into a CAREER quite yet (I want to see what all is out there and what I like in order to try and find a fun job to do for a few years), but the uncertainty of these shorter contracts makes me nutsy. Kinda limbo-ish.
So job/money/future career makes me feel woogy. But excited. But woogy.
And then the whole engaged/not engaged/ we're working on things confusion. Gah, running into people at school sucks sometimes. I'm continually asked when I'm moving to New York now that I'm done school. Or if they are up on more recent events - when in september we're getting married. I hate that. I've made up little things to say - common one being "immigration issues". I mean, casual conversation does not really lend itself to "well, we were getting married on Sept 25th, but then we broke up as per 'life is hard' type things, and then we realised we really really do love each other and are both willing to try and work though these difficult negotiations but we are no longer engaged, as such, because we can't say if we are getting married.. but I don't want to take my ring off and he doesn't want me to take my ring off so I'm wearing my ring and, um, I don't know when/if we're getting married." Really, how does one say that while passing somebody in the hallway at the uni?
And Jim's coming to visit at the end of the month. And I'm so very very excited about that. But I really don't know what to do with my wedding dress in my closet or the emotions I get when I look at it. And sometimes I think it would be easier to just say one way or the other that the wedding is just being put off for a bit, or that we've split. But I don't like to lie and neither of those are true. So then I feel like I sound wishy-washy to people. But if we had to just be ONE or the OTHER - that would make us broken up. And we chose to not be broken up. So we are limbo. And explaining that is hard. Even just explaining that to my gut, some days, is hard.
Ah well, things are not really all that horrid or anything. I just seem to be on an emotional rollercoaster every single day. And it is a bit exhausting. Just a bit. But on the bright side of things, B and I are walking pretty much every day and we're doing this HUGE hill that has started to make our butts even more amazing. As if that were possible. So yay!
xoxo
jenn
So I've spent the money as quickly as it came in, and the job only goes until mid sept. Some minor icky feelings about October and how that will play out. I'm sure I'll find more work, just not totally certain. So I'm dabbling with non-good jobs. Interview for one on tuesday and the woman totally pissed me off. But I want the money. Actually, I want my dream job to arrive in the mail which will pay me what I think I should get paid now with an MA (and flexible hours and a clothing allowance and, um, a man-servant). So I don't want to take a job 'below' me and set up lowered expectations of myself, but I also need to keep the cash flowing right now. And I don't think I want to get locked into a CAREER quite yet (I want to see what all is out there and what I like in order to try and find a fun job to do for a few years), but the uncertainty of these shorter contracts makes me nutsy. Kinda limbo-ish.
So job/money/future career makes me feel woogy. But excited. But woogy.
And then the whole engaged/not engaged/ we're working on things confusion. Gah, running into people at school sucks sometimes. I'm continually asked when I'm moving to New York now that I'm done school. Or if they are up on more recent events - when in september we're getting married. I hate that. I've made up little things to say - common one being "immigration issues". I mean, casual conversation does not really lend itself to "well, we were getting married on Sept 25th, but then we broke up as per 'life is hard' type things, and then we realised we really really do love each other and are both willing to try and work though these difficult negotiations but we are no longer engaged, as such, because we can't say if we are getting married.. but I don't want to take my ring off and he doesn't want me to take my ring off so I'm wearing my ring and, um, I don't know when/if we're getting married." Really, how does one say that while passing somebody in the hallway at the uni?
And Jim's coming to visit at the end of the month. And I'm so very very excited about that. But I really don't know what to do with my wedding dress in my closet or the emotions I get when I look at it. And sometimes I think it would be easier to just say one way or the other that the wedding is just being put off for a bit, or that we've split. But I don't like to lie and neither of those are true. So then I feel like I sound wishy-washy to people. But if we had to just be ONE or the OTHER - that would make us broken up. And we chose to not be broken up. So we are limbo. And explaining that is hard. Even just explaining that to my gut, some days, is hard.
Ah well, things are not really all that horrid or anything. I just seem to be on an emotional rollercoaster every single day. And it is a bit exhausting. Just a bit. But on the bright side of things, B and I are walking pretty much every day and we're doing this HUGE hill that has started to make our butts even more amazing. As if that were possible. So yay!
xoxo
jenn
posted by jenn at 10:15 a.m.
11 Comments:
Oh peanut. I'm sorry you're feeling in limbo [frown].
I can sympathise a bit with the range of emotions, though I've not been as bad (except for the feeling very down for periods recently).
I send hugs, squishes and sushi. Oh and as always, nibbles.
Callie xx
*hug* I can honestly say that Limbo land sucks monkey butt. However, it is your limbo land that needs no explanation to anyone other than yourself. As for the work thing- money is the root of all evil, however rather than casting out all of our worldly possessions, I think that we should form a gang strickly for the purpose of robbing banks..oooh we could get matching shirts and ski masks too...I am thinking a really nice shade of dark blue, rather than black (sooo over done)
heya chica
thank god someone got left you some corvette and hip hop resources. now your emotions can be soooooothed with rap and loud cars :)
things will work out though... honest. i went though this with just my BA (and i wasn't even done) and jason told me to stop being stupid and remember how smart i am.
and in terms of you and jim - start telling everyone that things are on hold because he has a monkey disease after fighting hordes of monkeys in mazatlan to find the hope diamond. when they start to ask more questions, say you've said too much already. then run away.
and as for the dress, i say you and jim do this. pack a picnic. take some wine. drive somewhere nice and pretty, and tell each other how you feel about the other one. (wearing the dress of course, that was the whole point - well jim doesn't have to wear the dress, although i guess you could take turns wearing the dress - whomever is wearing is speaking...) you guys deserve some happy love time.
Big, big hugs. And give one to Jim for me!
This limbo feeling would be normal even without the wedding stuff. Take your time. Don't panic. Breathe.
In through your nose. Out through your mouth. Again.
More hugs.
Hey guys - thanks for the comments. Well, aside from the spam. Those I figured were not so much in my best interest as fast cars and loud music are not what I'm needing right now. But thanks anyways ads-posing-as-blogs!
*doh*
Limbo sucks, I think you should engage in some self destructive behavior. You know like I do, run too much, start leaving your house a mess, and obsess about blogging (or whatever you decide to obsess about that is not the thing actually upsetting you). This is the best way to deal. Or maybe just a nice long yoga session with soothing music followed by sage for cleansing and visualization meditations of your future successes.
Uncertain times are always a bugger, but once it's all sorted, you'll probably be in a far better place than you were in when this all started. It WILL be worth it.
In the meantime, keep walking!
~CosmicAvatar
buy some bannock and share with your new fancy roommate. yeah. Or kick her out of the house for the weekend or something have some time to yourself. I'm sure she'll be fine with that. As long as she gets her knitting.
Chuck and I have been discussing what we can do. We're trying to shed less. Our talks don't go far. We battle about it. Which causes us to eat more. The solution to this is.... Chuck, get back here or I'm going to... get off me! Argh!
*bite* *kick* *kick* *bite*
*kick* *run run run run*
I think you need some kung fu.
I was going to write a whole page of supportive thoughts but, as always, Annika has cut right to the heart of the matter.
*hugs*
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